naked.
the hot water splashed against her skin, dripped to the ground, pirouetted down the drain.
steam floated lazily through the air.
wet hair clung to her face and the back of her neck.
she did not move.
she barely even breathed. the rise-and-fall motion of her chest was slight.
the only sound in the room was that of the falling, splashing water. in her mind, it was much, much louder.
screams and shouts. events replaying in her head. rewinding and starting over. fast forward. reverse. half speed. in high definition, displaying every minute detail.
she could see the emotion in his eyes. the anger and the fury. the need to correct her. to make her right again. the drive to discipline.
those were the times she missed when he ignored her. when his eyes were void of feeling and she had to fight for his attention.
she blinked. tears mingled with water on her cheeks.
she cried too much. too often. must stop. be better. for him. for him?
why?
she cupped her hands underneath the stream of water and collected it there. she stared into it.
ssss...
a puff of steam shot towards the ceiling. her hands were empty.
she lowered herself onto the slick tile and sat there, cross-legged. water cascaded over her, trickled down her arms and her back and her face and her breasts. she looked down and her hair fell before her eyes, obscuring her face.
stop being so sad. be better. be good. be what you need to be. what you're asked to be. show them all. you're a good girl. you can do it.
that's what he wants. do it for him. for him.
why?
the word stood out in boldface against the memories that ran double-time in her mind's eye; against the memory of the screaming, of the derision and the self-shattering realization, of the blows and the pain and the hot tears that never stopped, never stopped...
why?
"because," she said timidly to the water, "i'm not good enough."
the words bounced off the walls and echoed in her ears. hideous and discordant words. bloody and defeated words.
terrible words. cursed words. wretched words.
"because i'm not good enough..."
the truth.